I Can't Sleep

Oh I'd love to be sleeping right now. Everyone else in this hemisphere is. Insomnia: the least amusing part of menopause.

It's 3AM and my alarm will ring in 2 hours and I'll have to get up and go to work. I'll probably be able to sleep at 4:45. I'll probably be in some deep REM right about then.

But for now, I'm sitting in the livingroom listening to the dog snore and wondering if it's foolish to eat chocolate chip cookies at this hour.

Dear Mother Nature,

Dear Mother Nature,

It's September. Give up the 100 degree days already.

Thank you,

Elaine

Sign On The Dotted Line.......

I did it. Classes start October 26, 2009.

I met with a University counselor tonight and I enrolled in college. I signed on the dotted line for both grant and student loan applications.

It scares me. For so many reasons. Too many to list here. When the applications were all filled out, I left the counselor's office feeling like I wanted to vomit. The overwhelming emotion was loneliness.

I'm excited, too. It's been my deep desire for years to return to school for a formal education.

I did it. Classes start October 26, 2009.

Busted

It appears Maxie may have taken up another unsavory habit. How do these sweet babies of mine go astray?

Sunday Call To Worship

I sat here this morning and thanked God for His goodness. On the earth and in my life.

Perpetual Mid-Life Crisis

For those of you who know me....I'm sorry, but I'm still on this topic.

For those of you who don't know me....you're about to find out that I've been having a mid-life crisis for approximately 22 years.

I sense there is something missing in my life. I also keep insisting I'm not sure what it is. However, I do know what it is. I didn't finish my education. I have dreams that can only be acheived through continued education. Seems simple enough to remedy. Right?

I tried to go back to school a few times over the years. I was married for 23 years to the same person who didn't quite share my desire for higher learning. He didn't actually stop me from going back to school, but he didn't support the effort and that made it just hard enough for me to give it up. A few years later, when you add a job and kids into mix, well.....that made it just hard enough for me to shelf the dream.

I had a wonderful time raising my children. I have absolutely no regrets, those were the best years of my life. I worked part time while my children were in school. I parented with purpose and intention, giving them my full attention. We created memories and traditions and laughed around the kitchen table nearly every evening.

I'm 47 years old now. I'm no longer married. My children are grown. I've been in my current line of work for 20 years. I wake up each morning with an empty nest and years more to live.

I keep telling myself I don't know what to do next. Yet I can't bear to think about working my current job for another 20 years.

Much effort has been made to quench the desire in smaller, less costly ways. I've been through therapy, tried changing churches, reading books, and participated in countless women's bible studies. I've even tried hobbies and such. All of these are really good things for me to have done and they've all added value to who I am today. But they don't quiet that deep desire within me.

The dream is still there and it occurs to me that there is nothing between me and the dream now. Except.......what. Except whatever walls I've put up around it. Whatever protection I've erected to keep the flame alive in my heart all this time.

So it looks like the mid-life crisis might be winding down. Looks like I actually do know what to do about some of this perpetual discontent. I need to take the risk. Step into the unknown.

I've talked with a university counselor. I'm milling over the financial aid options. I'm going to take this one year at a time.

I'll keep you posted.

The Happiest Hour

A girls night Friday night. I love it.

Survivor Night

Survivor.

I love it.

I know.....but I do. I really do.

I've seen every single episode of every single season. It's an illness, I'm sure.

I used to have friends who loved Survivor as much as I do. We had weekly dinner parties and watched the show together on the DVR so we could rewind the funny parts. Like when someone makes a Blackberry out of a piece of driftwood and talks into it, or takes a nasty blow to the head, or gags on a grub worm. Like when that one guy lost a tooth and kept going through the challenge. Good stuff. My Survivor friends moved away without checking with me first. It was very sad.

I tried to carry on the tradition with others, but it's hard to find good Survivor Night buddies. It's not that I have high expectations, but not everyone likes Survivor. Shocking.

It's fun to watch (and heckle) in a group. Yet I enjoyed a solitary viewing of tonight's season premier. Since I was alone, I thought I would share some thoughts here about tonight's show because I seem to have so many words.

1) If you are going to audition for Survivor, please WATCH an episode first. Thank you.
2) If you are selected to be on Survivor, please do not include a YELLOW dress in your wardrobe. Wear brown. Or black. Shorts. Black shorts. Black shorts that actually cover your ass. Thank you.
3) I really hope they did a thorough psychological profile on Russell. He looks completely psychotic. He was acting that way, too. It should be very interesting to watch his drama unfold. I'm hoping he doesn't actually hurt someone.
4) I love watching the group dynamic in action under these ultra-concentrated conditions. Fold in an extra motivator ($1,000,000 worth of greed) and the truth of people's core being emerges. I find it facinating.
5) Jeff Probst has cute dimples.
6) If you are selected to be on Survivor, and have firsthand knowledge of the conditions of the game, have appropriate clothing selected, please buy some flint and practice building a fire. You should possibly consider reading a book on making survival shelters from available raw materials. It amazes me how people go on that show so totally clueless about how to shelter and feed themselves for 30 days.
7) That was funny that the guy who was picked to swim was black, making some follow the stereotypical thought that black men don't swim. Then it ended up he was a waterpolo player in college. Ha! So much for those stereotypes. The guy who selected him was spot on that one. Did you see him run into the water? We should pick him to run next time. I could watch him run all day long. Made me think of James. Remember James the grave digger? I could watch James mow the lawn and not get bored.

Well, thanks for letting me share my Survivor thoughts. Come by the blog next week and we can chat again. If you come by the house, we'll have pizza and beer too!

Carbs Anyone?

My teenaged son called me at work today.

Him: there's no food in the house.

Me: what? (knowing there are eggs, fruit, sandwich stuff, salad items galore, probably Eggo-s)

Him: there's no mac and cheese, no spaghetti-O's, no ramen, no corn dogs....what am I supposed to eat?

Me: uhm....(recites list above)

Him: never mind (in sulky voice) I found some leftover sloppy joes. Are you going to the store today?

So at 5 PM today I'm standing in my local Wal-Mart superstore (which I never choose to go to, but that's another post) with a conveyor belt full of carbs. I'm wanting to shout out to the imagined glares around me......I'M NOT FAT BECAUSE OF THESE CARBS!!!! THESE CARBS ARE A PHONE ORDER FOR THE IMPOSSIBLY THIN 18 YEAR OLD AT MY HOUSE!!!! I DIDN'T TEACH HIM TO EAT LIKE THIS!!! I COOKED NUTRITIOUS MEALS 99 TIMES OUT OF 100!!! I BREAST FED HIM AND MILLED HIS BABY FOOD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!! BROCCOLI USED TO BE HIS FAVORITE FOOD!!!!

DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!

But I didn't. I simply remebered where I was, swiped my card, skulked out of the store, and made my man-cub happy.

The Helm

This is where the captain sits. Not the admiral, mind you. There are bosses to contend with. But here's where the action is.

Decisions are made. Angry calls are calmed. Questions answered. Souls soothed. And agitated. Boundaries are set. And flooded. Authority challenged. Often upheld.

It often feels like a jail cell. Yet it allows me to provide food, shelter, and often extras for myself and child. I loved being off work, but I would hate to be out of work.

Plus they give me a window. And that's not nuthin'. They didn't give me one that opens, though. That's probably good because sometimes I'd be tempted to jump.

Bad idea from only the third floor, I'm sure. There's probably other good reasons not to jump, too.

All in all.....the days go by smoothly.

I would love to redirect my career to be in line with who I am deep in my heart. This would require much education and lots of time. But as I while away these days in my cubicle, I could also be working toward another dream.

It occurs to me I could actually be the one who makes the decisions in my own life. Funny how time and other choices muddle that fact. I could really sit at the helm of my own ship and steer it toward my dream.

Bench Monday

Hi Ho Hi Ho.....

...it's off to work I go. Deetel deet deet deet, deetel do....never mind.

My job is not as much fun as marching off to the mines singing with my dwarfed brethren.

I sit in a cubicle. I have a window (which isn't nothing), but no door. Is it too much to ask for a stinking door? It would keep the riff raff out....which is possibly why I don't have one.

I'm a supervisor. Have you ever done that? Well, if you haven't....let me tell you what. If you have, we can talk about it later over a well deserved happy hour.

I've been off for 3 weeks. Getting up when I want. Going to bed when I want. Visiting friends, taking vacations, hiking in my favorite places, watching movies, having surgery. Okay that last one wasn't that great, but I've been feeling so good for at least the past week and I was really getting used to being my own master.

Alas, I'm a slave to the direct deposit monster and so I'll report dutifully at 7AM tomorrow.

Remember me how I was......

What Happens In Vegas....

...is mostly lost on me. I don't gamble (I'm too cheap and need a tangible return for my $$, like shoes or trips or lunch in my favorite restaurant), I have a 2 drink maximum, and show girls aren't my thing.

Even still, aside from the tattoo, there were actually lots of fun things to do in Vegas. I went on a super fast rollercoaster, saw an absolutely phenominal show (Cirque du Soleil-LOVE), had a frozen hot chocolate, went to a restaurant that was featured on Drive-Ins, Diners, and Dives (emphasis on Dive) for a superb all meat stromboli, walked approximately 25,000 miles in flip flops, and found out from a very quick little man that photos in a casino are prohibited by gaming laws.

Fountains at the Bellagio are spectacular. Cirque du Soleil is unbelievable. The drive there is horrific.

But mostly, in my opinion, what happens in Vegas is best suited to stay there.

12 Miles.....in the sand

I love these shoes. I love to hike. Yesterday some friends of mine invited me to go to the coast for a day of hiking. I'm all about it!

My friends are getting into the swing of hiking and decided to track their "hiking miles" this summer. They were on track to reach 100 miles on this very hike. And I was there to witness the blessed event.

Only some of the trail was sand. And that makes 12 miles really hard.

Plus I have a very strained relationship with sunscreen. And that makes my skin like red leather.

Even with all that drama, there really is no better way for me to spend a day than with good friends, a little sweat, and God's beautiful world.

Bench Monday

Wine Garden Stories

I love working the wine garden at the State Fair.
This is my friend, Theresa. She works for a local grocery chain and this particular chain runs the wine garden every year. They sign up volunteers to work. You get admission to the fair, free parking, an apron, a commemorative glass with free wine at the END of your shift. And TIPS. I've never worked in the food industry where you get tips (since McDonalds has a no tipping policy). How could I resist tips? This was the third annual trip for us.
After 3 hours of visiting with new people, pouring over 80 different wines, and running around behind a very crowded counter earning a whopping $20 in tips..... we get to spend our tip money on the evening. LOVE the wine garden!

PS--I left out the part of the evening that involved me eating an eggroll on a stick, corn with butter, 1/2 of a cinnamon roll, and -- for some totally unknown reason besides inebriation--I smoked 2 cigarettes with some person I didn't even know, but seemed to have so much in common with at the time. I don't smoke, by the way, which makes that second cigarette especially mysterious. I really do LOVE the wine garden. Perhaps a little too much?

Tenacious

Holding fast to the dream. Not even rocks can keep us down.

I Don't Miss My Cubicle

I don't miss my cubicle. Not even one little bit.

I got up early. Went for a 3.5 mile walk, had coffee in the sun, yakked it up with my wonderful friend, walked the 3.5 miles home.

I ate lunch. Sat on my butt. Took a nap.

I got up and showered and went to the Trader Joe's at 5PM. How will I ever return to a real life?
I don't know, but in the mean time I cooked this for dinner.

Boeuf Bourguignon

Mastering The Art of French Cooking. Page 315. My new favorite page. Beef in red wine with bacon, onions, and mushrooms.

It was served at 9:00PM. Unheard of in my real life. Indescribably delicious is real time.

Detox Diaries

Okay, so the last post was a little heavy. It's amazing what a new day can bring. I'm up each morning walking with a dear sweet friend who is here visiting from out of town. (She has to visit periodically now that she unceremoniously moved away. I wasn't asked for my opinion on that move, btw.) It's doing me a world of good.

I'm detoxing off the Darvocet.

I'm off work for 3 weeks. 2 weeks of recovery and 1 week of vacation. I'm getting out of town for a few days. I'm cooking more. I'm eating less. My house is clean. My dog is exercised. I'm left wondering how I will ever be able to return to my actual life. This is inevitable since I want the direct deposit to keep working.

I have a little more perspective today. I'm healthy. My children are healthy. I have great hair.
I have this nifty blog to pour out my innermost feelings into cyberspace.

Life is good.